I'm sitting at my computer, wanting the words to come out, and I am pondering the title of this post. I'm alive. Seems ironic for someone who has dreamed of death every night for the last six weeks. But, I AM alive. I am still here. And I will try to back up a bit to fill you in a bit on my absence.
Shortly after my last post, my family and I went to Disney world. It was a fantastic trip, and I am not sure who enjoyed it more: the kids or Grandma?! :)
The morning we left for Disney World. Think they're excited?
Just off the plane and straight to the castle!
When we returned from Disney, I intended to write a post with some of the hilarious stories from our trip (and there were several!), but life was so busy, I didn't have time to post. My son, while only in Kindergarten, had TWENTY-SEVEN pages of home work to make up!!! On top of the home work, my volunteer work with the BMS organization really picked up. (I am soooooo grateful to be a part of this organization! You can check out their website here: Beyond Morning Sickness. And you can read some of my story here: my HG story. And I will be making another HG post soon!) Also, I am blessed to be able to be a stay at home mom, and that status affords me the ability to be able to help other moms when they need a hand, and, well, there have been lots of moms that have needed help in the recent months and I am just so thankful to be able to help them. All that to say, the time that I would normally take to create a post was being spent in other, well deserved areas.
February quickly turned into March, and my time continued to be not my own, but I was grateful to be helpful. And then the kidney stones hit. One minute I was picking up the crew from school, and the next minute I was paralyzed by pain in the parking lot, frantically calling my husband to come and take the kids. I ended up in the hospital, and after two days I passed the stone.
Life since my trip to the hospital has been a whirlwind. My recovery was slow, but life doesn't stop for physical pain. And there was more pain than just the physical kind, and I am still working through all of it.
About a week after I left the hospital the nightmares started. Every year since my mom has been gone (she died August 25, 1989), I have nightmares that start anywhere from three to five weeks before her birthday, April 19, 1963. This year they started at the five-six week mark. Awesome. I have shared with a couple of people the details of some of the nightmares, and I was considering sharing some details on this blog as a kind of "getting it out there" exercise. However, after sharing the details with a few people recently and seeing them go white with fear or watching them sob over information that had nothing to do with them or being being able to literally see and feel their pain for me, I have decided that no good will come of that. And, since today is her birthday, the nightmares will be over, and I will keep moving forward.
There has been much happening, obviously, in my personal life. And also in my church, my family, and the lives of my friends. There have been births and deaths and pain and healing. I am committed to moving forward and not dwelling on the past, and I am thankful to all of you for your support! You have no idea how encouraging you have been! So many of you sent me emails or messages on Facebook. Some of you who know me personally even called me or sent text messages to verify that I was alive! Honestly! It is encouraging to know I was missed, and I am happy to be back.
Since I have been away, I have really enjoyed reading so many of YOUR blogs and keeping up with your lives and your fantastic projects! Thank you!!! I have so many projects that I have been working on, and I hope to share them with you very soon!
For today, I am just going to breathe. I am going to be thankful for what is in front of me and learn from what is behind me. There will be growing pains, for sure, but I have to trust that it will be worth it. Isaiah 55:10-11 "As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is My word that goes out from My mouth: It will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." God says His word will not return void, and I am clinging to that promise!
Enjoy the Son!